Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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