my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
