Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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