At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
