If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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