I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
