You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
