Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we're making bets on your personal life
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Success! We fucked roommates!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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