I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Randomize
