my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
