I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
