Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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