upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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