I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
