my sisters under your porch take her home
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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