Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
