i need an iv and a liver transplant
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
