false alarm. still invincible.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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