there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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