if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
