This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
