I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
And then he peed in my hair
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