happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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