I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
