Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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