I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
