I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
