Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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