WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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