This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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