Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
