can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize