something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Couch. On fire.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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