Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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