When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
