FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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