Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
