do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
