I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i think i just naturally attract stoners
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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