I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
