I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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