No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
be right there i have to get my cape
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
