i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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