Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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