I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
