omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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