So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
