Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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