Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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