I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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