You don't have asthma, your pregnant
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
