she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
