The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
