I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
