I cockslap morals
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
