Umm I'm too high to move.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
