Someone shit on the floor
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
