I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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