I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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